38Bitches

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but for some reason I haven’t fully gotten into “baseball season is finally here” mode. Maybe it’s because the Red Sox didn’t make the playoffs last year, didn’t even finish second in the East. Maybe it’s because they are off to a slower start than I first expected, maybe it’s because Julian Tavares is our fifth starter, maybe it’s because I’m single and still living at my parent’s house. Who really knows why?? What I do know is I need to find someway to get out of my current Red Sox induced funk. After some thought I figured that maybe if I just did some venting here on the blog, or bloventing as I like to call it, I could get some things off my chest and get ready for a long baseball. So, in an ode to our Ace Pitcher’s blog ‘38Pitches’ I thought I’d do something like ‘38Bitches’, just a collection of random thoughts that have been on my mind lately.

1. When is NESN going to put a Japanese translator in the booth with Remy and Orsillo so we can finally be told what these signs say? They are constantly showing a group of Japanese fans holding up a sign with words on it that 99.99% of the audience can’t read. It just makes sense to have someone in the booth that can translate them, that’s all I’m saying.
2. The Red Sox bullpen is terrible. Just look at this group of guys: Romero, Pinero, Lopez (since optioned to Pawtucket) Taverez (wait, is he actual our fifth starter?) and the 68 year old Mike Timlin. Luckily our closer is a stud capable of sitting any 3 hitters in the league down in order. I was thinking about it today at work, and if I had to describe Papelbon in three words they would be: “hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable”. Yeah, I think those do a pretty good job.
3. It sucks that ARod had to go and have a monster first week, because he was only a few boos away from having a Jesse Spano “I'm so excited” breakdown. I was really looking forward to the day when a sobbing ARod was getting consoled by Jeter in the dugout while mumbling “im so excited, I just cant hide it, im so excited…im so scared” There is still a definite possibility of this happening, but now we just have to wait a little longer.
4. Is the entire Red Sox team trying to make me feel better about not being able to grow facial hair? Just look at Manny, Ortiz and Youk. I haven’t seen anyone with such ugly facial hair since my boy Danny Mac rocked a mustache all junior year.
5. I was watching the Lakers Phoenix game this past Saturday and they showed a shot of Jack Nicholson sitting there with his Yankees hat on. That’s bullshit. Picking two of the most successful franchises in the history of sports when they are on opposite sides of the country is, well, its bullshit. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jack jumped on the Houston Comets bandwagon during their run of WNBA championships in the late 90s. Now hopefully he doesn’t read this and come to my house and kick my ass.
6. Julian Taverez is our fifth starter. This is the guy who once got into a fight with a bullpen phone. And lost.
7. You know those shows on TV “Man vs. Wild” and “Survivor Man”? Well after watching about 20 hours worth of both of them online I’ve come to the conclusion that they are about as legit as “The Real World”. Patrick Swayze kicking everyone’s ass at The Double Duce is more believable than most of the stuff these guys do. But if you’re ever with me and we get stranded in the artic with a hatchet, some flint, 18 ounces of seal fat, a compass, and a broken down snowmobile, I’m pretty sure we’ll last at least through the night.
8. Have you ever heard a more uninformed/lost/biased announcer that Joe Morgan? The guy went on for 2 innings about Ortiz getting “Cramped” and still managing to hit his second homerun of the night. I don’t even know what that means, but maybe David should eat some bananas, I hear those are good for cramps.
9. In case you didn’t hear Ichiro’s quote the other day, allow me to fill you in. He said about facing Dice-K. “it arouses the fire in my soul”. I think after his playing days are over Ichiro has a long career writing for Days of Our Lives.
10. Did I mention that Julian Taverez is our fifth starter? Yeah, he really is.
11. Has everyone heard all the trouble that Don Imus has been causing with his “racist” remarks about Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team? I didn’t even know who this guy was before this week. I guess he was Howard Stern before Howard Stern and Howard K. Stern, were both Howard Stern, respectively.
12. Speaking of Howard K. Stern, It turns out that he’s not the father of Anna Nicoles kid, Larry Birkhead is. After a battery of tests in the Bahamas, including “who does the baby look more like” and “do you really think that Anna Nicole would have sex with that Howard K Stern guy?” the doctors said that Larr was the dad.
13. Also, in case you didn’t know, Larr did an episode of Entourage a while back; he was assigned to find work for drama. Unfortunately Lloyd beat him to it, and unfortunately like 3,785 guys beat him to Anna Nicole too.
14. SOOO in case you missed it The Inferno III aired last night on MTV. I wasn’t aware of this until I received a frantic IM from Danny Mac at about 10:05 saying something along the lines of “Greech…the Inferno is back…and so are ABE AND ALTON!!!” This was probably followed by Mac having to breathe into a paper bag for about 7 minutes and wipe large amounts of sweat off his forehead. Lets just say he was really excited.
15. Speaking of The Inferno, Billerica’s own Danny is on this season and he’s on the Bad Ass team. Isn’t this the same guy who proposed to his girlfriend on an MTV show during a horse and carriage ride through NYC? (My roommate Davey made me watch it). I’m not sure if that qualifies as “Bad Ass”.
16. This is an actual quote from Danny about one of the challenge they did on the show that involved them climbing ladders: “This is what I do everyday. This is what I do for a living. I climb up ladders and build houses.” Somewhere in Billerica that smoking hot blonde chick he married is locked in a bathroom with a box of bon-bons crying her eyes out.
17. As mentioned earlier, Danny Mac’s boy Abe is back. If I had to guess what he’s been doing in his time off since his failed steroid test (MTV began testing shortly after Alton Dominated The Inferno I) Id say not all that much. I’m guessing that a failed attempt at a WWF career landed him at a Golds Gym in his home town doing personal training sessions for elderly ladies followed by a few domestic violence charges and a battle with an oxycontin addiction. But that’s just a guess, I really don’t know.
18. Do you think that one of Abe’s roommates gave him his haircut? Because it reminds me of this time my buddy Sean gave our buddy Haris a haircut. First of all, never give a haircut at 4 am after a night at the bars. Haris’ hair just kept getting shorter and shorter, but when we went to bed we all agreed it looked pretty good. When we woke up, well, he looked sorta like Abe does, except Haris is Bosnian.
19. In case you missed the end of the show, after Alton was emasculated by Abe in the challenge that Danny “does for a living” Alton took some guys place in the inferno and got matched up against…….TYRIE. Ladies and Gentlemen get ready to witness MTV history!!! The first all black Inferno!! This is right up there with Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith coaching against each other in the Super Bowl, absolutely historic stuff. I am really excited for this, but if you think Alton is a lock, think again, think Tyson-Douglas. (but seriously, I know he wins. They did the “this season…..in The Inferno” and I saw Alton. Was there any chance in a million years that Tyrie would beat Alton? I say no way, this thing is going to be more one sided than the fight Billerica Danny got into on his season of Real World)

37. Yeah, I just skipped 20-36. I’m getting lazy, I blame it on Danny.

38. I'm going to the game on Friday against LA and the Friday after that against the Yankees, so hopefully by then I'll have something that i can actual form into one coherent 'article'

I gotta go now, it’s been a long day. As always, thanks for reading. You can reach us at TheSportsHub@gmail.com